The_Whistle_Stop

For a “stay at home mom” freelance journalist, it was the opportunity of a lifetime.
Momseasychair.com, a national Atlanta-based web-zine asked me to come aboard as one of
their writers during their national “Whistle Stop Tour”. My job would be to interview moms
across the country, asking them their opinion on the state of motherhood in the 21st century.
Then I would blog about the experience.

I would leave my own three teenagers to fend for themselves with their dad. I would have my
own hotel room, and perhaps have time to catch up on my reading. Best of all, I would be with
people that didn’t think I was a clueless mom.

Well that was the plan. What I hadn’t bargained for was the emotional slugfest of interviews
that began tentatively then barreled down long, scary roads of betrayal and loneliness. I
interviewed women in Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, and Wyoming while Debra-Lynn Hook, the
web site’s other writer, spoke to women in Greenville, South Carolina, New York, City and
Seattle, Washington. Across the country, it was the same story. Regardless of their
geography, these women felt sucker-punched both by the ideals of motherhood given to them
by the media and by judgmental attitudes of their own kind. The much hyped “MommyWars”
of the working mom versus the stay-at-home mom were minor skirmishes in the face of the
battles waging between moms who stayed at home. It was battle of “attachment parenting
versus non-attachment parenting;” “breast-feeding versus non-breast feeding,” “organic
versus processed.”

Professional women accustomed to making snap decisions for corporations, law firms and in
emergency rooms, were now staying home, reduced to indecision and worry over whether
they bought the right car seat for their child, or if they would have a “family bed.” Some of
these women joined mom “support” groups, but many found that when their ideals differed,
they were pummeled emotionally by other women in the group, judged by their “errors” of
parenting. “I don’t want to be made to feel guilty about giving my kid a French fry,” said one
Wichita mom. But that was what was happening.

As part of the interview, we gave the women we met a paper doll, and ask them to draw how
they saw themselves and their roles. We got back amazingly detailed drawings, some of
women on tightropes, others of octopus-armed women, or women half-dressed, their children
at their feet and climbing up their legs.
After one particularly powerful interview session with five women, my editor Diane and I left
emotionally drained. We realized that these women had never been asked about how they
were doing, what they thought about being a mom today and the expectations that entailed.
They really wanted to talk. And they wanted to vent. These mothers seemed to live in a time
warp, of trying to get it right, of losing themselves in their children to the exclusion of their own
mental health and well-being.
“I didn’t look the same, I didn’t feel the same. I forgot how to speak right, and I had no idea of
what was going on in the world,” said Stephanie, 32, parent of a 7 year old and a two year old.
“I would survive from one sleep period to another. I could not formulate complete sentences.
Every conversation was interrupted,” said Kelly, 38, mom of an 8-year old son, and 5-year-old
daughter.
“I remember my oldest daughter was sick, and the twins were teething, and all were crying –
and I started crying hysterically. I had no control of my life. It was then I realized that I was not
going to live my life inside of my house; I had to go back to school.” That was Jami, 27, who is
now a part-time real estate agent, who managed to pull herself out of her misery.
Katrina, 23, mom of a 10 month old, held up her paper doll, “See this person – she’s cute.
That’s who I am inside, but I don’t feel cute outside anymore.”

All of these women acknowledged that staying home was a choice for them; an option not
given to many mothers today who must work to put food on the table. And yes, there was joy
in their lives; one mom even started her own company and involved her whole family in the
business. But in so many other instances, there was a desperation and guilt, and I wondered,
who put it there?

Many of these women were saying that they felt judged by other moms, and couldn’t take the
criticism. They were home alone, and vulnerable, and unsure of their parenting methods.
Their husbands were working crazy hours, and often not home. Some husbands offered to
help ease the load for their wife’s sanity, but these women also admitted that they didn’t trust
their husbands to care for their kids

If it seems like I’m telling a Debbie Downer story about the state of women and their mom-
hood, maybe it’s because I was shocked at the lack of support these women were getting
from each other. Perhaps more so, I was astounded at how much they had lost themselves in
the process of giving birth and being a “mom.” What happened with the feminist revolution?
Did it even happen? I am a mom, and have four girls, and yes, I have gone crazy on
occasion, especially when they were little, and I was physically and mentally overwhelmed. But
I have been blessed by a group of women who supported me—and each other—during this
really trying time; we remained friends regardless of whether we breast-fed or attachment
parented or not, or even, if we, God forbid, fed our children Happy Meals.

I learned from this tour that many women aren’t as lucky, and I wonder: What strides have we
made as women, if we can’t support one another, especially when we’re trying to make our
way as parents? What is the purpose of judging each other’s parenting abilities – is there a
perfect mommy contest out there? One mom put it aptly -- “Part of the problem is we don’t
have a village anymore. It’s looked down upon when you reach out for help, while two
generations ago, it was expected.” Listening to her voice, echoed in so many others criss-
crossing this country, I wished there was more upbeat news, but it just didn't turn out that
way. It wasn’t what I had expected, and I’ll admit, I’m sadly disappointed.

Note: A group of Wichita moms interviewed in the Whistle Stop Tour formed their own
support group after finding too much judgment and angst in another support group! Go
figure. The link to that group is www.thewichitamomsgroup.com

Rebecca Rakoczy survived having four kids under the age of 5, but for a while was the poster
woman for birth control in her neighborhood. She appreciates good red wine, funny friends,
and anyone with a dry sense of humor. She has been a freelance writer in Atlanta for 14
years.

THE WHISTLE STOP TOUR
Rebecca Rakoscy
Winter 2008